When I try on an outfit and it doesn’t make me look good, I just throw it on the floor. Like, No, you don’t deserve to be hung up, sit there and think about what you’ve done.

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Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.


PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band

ME: Ok

[later at gym]

ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*


my dad: [rising up from behind couch]

the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf


“What an awesome body-”

Oh… thanks. I work out-

“- of research.”

– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.


My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard


SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t


*gets down on 1 knee*
*puts 2nd knee down*
*lays on floor*
*snake noises*
*slithers out of relationship*


Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal


I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??