@MissAllison07

When I try on an outfit and it doesn’t make me look good, I just throw it on the floor. Like, No, you don’t deserve to be hung up, sit there and think about what you’ve done.

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@weinerdog4life

Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.

@daemonic3

PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band

ME: Ok

[later at gym]

ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*

@FredTaming

my dad: [rising up from behind couch]

the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf

@WritePlay

“What an awesome body-”

Oh… thanks. I work out-

“- of research.”

– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.

@dumbbeezie

My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard

@Chumpstring

SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t

@pleatedjeans

*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*

@iscoff

Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal

@meganamram

I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??