I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
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It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
This is so me 😂😂
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.