Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.

“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf

‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla

-Me as a teacher

You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.

Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mind

Her: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarm

Her: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad

[my dog at the window]

Me: I want to travel

Bank account: Where? To work?

Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”

(first day at law school)

Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?

Prof: We don’t.

Me: This is BULLSHIT.

*flips table*

*table floats up to ceiling*

I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky

Them: You’re a dumpster fire.

Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?

I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.

Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.

3yo: I won’t.

Wife: hey guys.

3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.

Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.

Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.

Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.

*lies down on waxing table

Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.

-first day at NASA-

colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

me: do you guys do this in every elevator

Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES

I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.

Above the law? I’m 5’3” tall, I’m barely above the counter.

“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”

Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift

I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.

Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.

Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.

* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping

My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed

I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”