Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!

*points at baby*

Me: You gonna eat that?

You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud

I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker

She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.

“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*

[me as a GPS]

Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?

Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous

Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.

Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow

I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.

-me, about to break the dryer

I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.

I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems

When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens

I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.

A party without Vodka is just a meeting.

Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.

– whenever we have company and are never remodeling

Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.

Steven: Good evening

Stephen: Good ephening

Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425

Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.

The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK

Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No

Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?

Me ~ Kerosene…

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?

*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea

sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad

Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money

Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”

Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.

[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]