Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.

Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*

Me: What was that all about?

Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.

Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked

My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.

I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.

Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.

Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here

Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45

me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast

“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”

[Independence Day – 2017]

ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—

WILL SMITH: Fine

I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough

“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”

[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.

“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.

Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.

“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”

*shakes tambourine*

“Got any others?”

*shakes tambourine*

“Sounds a lot like the last one”

I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…

Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.

GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..

Friend: What are you doing this weekend?

Me: Amusement Pork.

Friend: You mean Amusement Park?

Me: No, I don’t.

Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.

I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags

Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?

Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.

I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…

You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.

Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.

So I’m basically a puffer fish now.

[invention of spaghetti]

Inventor: i made them very long

Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?

Inventor: lol no why

Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!

“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“

*interrupting* haha, he said prick