Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”

10: I think I want to run the 10k

Me: Girl, you don’t even want to chase down the ice cream truck

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.

I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot

my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works

Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.

You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.

You can’t have both.

Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.

They don’t give a fork.

It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…

waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?

me: no no I’ll find it thanks

2019: Crowd surfing

2020: Channel surfing

message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.

I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience

My libido: please have sex

My social anxiety: by yourself

writers really said: what if homework… was a career.

me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?

What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave

[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No

Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.

My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday

John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed

guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here

My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it

[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”

“You have 999 new matches”

The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”

If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.

Taliband

“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away

[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”

me: can I get a hug?

bartender: *checking cocktail list*