When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
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One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.