When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
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“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Sending in my taxes
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Did you know that cows kill more people than sharks?
I’m surprised that cows kill any sharks at all.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
wait.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
decorating my apartment
i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year