When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
You Might Also Like
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself… Probably had it coming anyway
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.