When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
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8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Look Ma, no handle on things
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.