Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

horse: these pants fit me perfectly

sales clerk: very good sir

horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs

sales clerk: *discretely* of course

[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”

Me: [fails Captcha test]

Captcha: haha goptcha

when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today

I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.

My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

IT guy: How much Internet do you need?

My folks: 10,000

I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.

I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.

I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.

“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.

I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.

After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.

Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?

bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot

I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.

Crossover ideas

– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys

I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣

I’ve got the longest to do list for today, just need to figure out who is going to do it

My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral

We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.

STOP MAKING IT WEIRD

If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.

I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.

See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….

Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!

Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—

Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM

I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said

One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”