@dreamsinchocola

When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.

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@Annekinns

*Receives good, solid, sound advice.

*Does exact opposite.

@sumpeoplelikeit

If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.

@JohnLyonTweets

I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.

@wineoclock39

Sometimes I shock myself with smart things I say.

Other times, I struggle to get out of my car with the seatbelt on.

@Demented_Jokes

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.

@UnFitz

You’re like a first job.

No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.

@MrNickJC

Asian Keanu arrives at party.

Asian Keanu gets bored.

Asian Keanu Reeves.

@dumbbeezie

At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still

@Supafunkadunka

If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.

@AimeeHelene1

At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*