When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
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when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]