When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.

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*Receives good, solid, sound advice.

*Does exact opposite.


If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.


I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.


Sometimes I shock myself with smart things I say.

Other times, I struggle to get out of my car with the seatbelt on.


The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.


You’re like a first job.

No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.


Asian Keanu arrives at party.

Asian Keanu gets bored.

Asian Keanu Reeves.


At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still


If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.


At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
G: *panicked look*