When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:
“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”
Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Woke up against my better judgment again
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
