Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
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Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?