Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.

Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.

My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?

Nope.

Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.

“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”

My camera roll:

Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.

pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes

I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.

She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….

~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!

Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving

[Day 5]

GOD: What do you think?

ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.

Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.

TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love

TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean

My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.

I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.

Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.

-me getting pulled over

Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..

I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered

evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.

So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.

People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.

A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages

let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth

My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.

My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)

How about your kid?

murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.

The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.

I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm

NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!

DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one

The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*

Me: I don’t think this is going to work

Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people

M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under