When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
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Aaaa…CHOO!
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
I’m awake but I object,
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator