When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
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RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
How it started: No kicking balls in the house!
How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
in the ocean
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Close call…
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.