Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.

Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair

Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat

*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*

I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.

When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.

People who hate candy corn love telling you.

life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS

help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.

Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again

[At the pearly gates]

Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?

Saint Peter: the book was so much better.

Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁

Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question

dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do

I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.

“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not

[holds out handful of sliced cheese]

pick a card

I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!

The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.

I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.

Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.

[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”

So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?

I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.

wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?

me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?

My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.

When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.

Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.

If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started