When I (vegetarian) hear the server list the specials and don’t want to hurt their feelings: Hmmm the filet mignon sounds really nice. Shrimp linguine, that I’m sure is delicious too. Let me think oh yeah I’ll have the fries.
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Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job