When I (vegetarian) hear the server list the specials and don’t want to hurt their feelings: Hmmm the filet mignon sounds really nice. Shrimp linguine, that I’m sure is delicious too. Let me think oh yeah I’ll have the fries.
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The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.
Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now
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