When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
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Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
synchronized noseblowing
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991