Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”

Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available

Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time

It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.

I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.

*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”

Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.

love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️

ME: I wish I could fix this problem

SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-

ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…

People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.

her: what’s your last name?

me: it’s French

her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?

me: no my last name is literally just French.

her: oh how fun, do you speak French?

me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?

[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man

me: listen pal no one talks to me that way

guy with british accent:

Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.

Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah

we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes

Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.

HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern

Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.

dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles

“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*

[being haunted]

Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*

Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that

Me:

Ghost:

Me: you know what being haunted is fine

thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs

why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials

Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.

I remember when the only divisive issue in America was whether you were team werewolf guy or team vampire guy. The rhetoric got pretty heated.

I love strapping my kids into their car seats.

It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.

I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me

Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.

*courtroom*

judge: I hear you want a new lawyer

me: yes I do

judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario

me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing

She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂