Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.

I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.

*bangs gavel*

wife: who???

Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings

“I missed you today.”

“Awwww I missed you too.”

*both frantically reload dueling pistols*

Me: Do that thing that I like

Cop: I’m not frisking you again

Stonehinge

me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.

I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.

*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the

Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.

You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?

Optimist: The cup is half full.

Pessimist: The cup is half empty.

Taxidermist: The cup was empty, but I stuffed it full again.

Bigamist: I think this is Rachel’s cup. Or Amy’s. Maybe Susan’s?

Alarmist: Someone drank out of my cup! Watch out for thirsty burglars, people!

How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.

So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response

WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT

Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs

I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”

Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.

Hug your kids as often as possible.

They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock

BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…

[ninja warrior]

HOST: First up we have… Oh-

ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]

I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college

“Why do birds suddenly appear?”

To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.

If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.

I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.

– Viagra addict

husband: when is [5]’s birthday

me: same as your mom’s

husband: *blank stare*