Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.

[CRIME SCENE]

COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!

PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*

Very problematic

lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.

Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.

“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.

I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…

mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.

“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.

Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.

*at dinner table*

Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’

Her:

Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’

Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.

an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??

WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT

[being chased by a murderer]

Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!

Murderer: *stabs me*

If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?

If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”

What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?

PEAK POKEMON DESIGN

Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.

my love language is being sent money

10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.

The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.

FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby

ME: not today satan

I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.

My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*

Music Party with the wee ones

Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.

5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid

Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.

It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.

My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?

My husband’s closet:

me: let’s change your diaper

2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!