when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
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Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
30 minutes was not the right answer.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*
Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards