Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.

Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?

Maternity.

Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.

Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.

Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.

The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*

DATE: I want someone who can cook

ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking

I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.

My brother just sent me an angry text.

me: like taking candy from a-

giant baby: no no, please go on

Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos

Twitter is like a rocking chair.

It gives you something to do

and takes you nowhere

ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or

Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.

I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree

The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.

I’m terrible with names…

…just ask my daughter Barry

[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…

I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.

MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.

According to my bank account, I’m Rich!

Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.

What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?

You have a polkageist.

Waitress: any questions about the menu?

Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?

My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.

New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?

Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here

New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?

Me: I didn’t say things like that?

U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said

A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.

Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..

The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.

Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.

If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.