when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
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[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Body by sandwich.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone
me: whoa magic
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE