when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
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even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
In my defense, Your Honor, I grossly misunderstood the meaning of Boxing Day
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
The French word for sex is croissant.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Time for evil
