When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
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Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes