When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
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Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
I support this random dude and all his protests
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”