When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
You Might Also Like
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR