When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
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Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
That’s easy for you to say
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.