When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
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When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”