Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes

“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”

Okay

Me: I could really use a hug rn.

Bear: …okay.

Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!

therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that

ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?

HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it

GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

[Art Museum]

Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.

Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING

SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit

Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes

I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.

Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.

CNN: The alien invasion has begun

British person: I’ll put the kettle on

I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.

I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.

When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.

If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up

Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me

[Commercial for commercials]

ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”

And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”

This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.

*doorbell rings*

me: go away I’m social distancing

voice: pizza delivery

me: *opens door*

COVID19: hehe, got’em

Today I learned that you’re supposed to pee on a jellyfish sting and NOT a jelly stain. So my apologies to the lady at Dunkin this morning. I was only trying to help

So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?

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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]

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Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.

Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.

There’s no such thing as Sasquatch

Those are just men who live with shedding cats