When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace

You Might Also Like


A few people on here are having fun communicating with their neighbours using messages placed in windows, so I’m joining in.


To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.


Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”


NPR is reporting terrorists are using twitter.

I call bullshit.

After logging on, most of us aren’t motivated enough to get dressed


Oh Subway

You got busted lying about how big it is, no worries we’ve been doing that for years.



I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.


Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.


My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night


FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30