@OfficeofSteve

When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace

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@RichNeville

A few people on here are having fun communicating with their neighbours using messages placed in windows, so I’m joining in.

@AimeeHelene1

To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.

@NathanBgood

Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”

@Just_A_Guy72

NPR is reporting terrorists are using twitter.

I call bullshit.

After logging on, most of us aren’t motivated enough to get dressed

@thatUPSdude

Oh Subway

You got busted lying about how big it is, no worries we’ve been doing that for years.

Sincerely;
Guys

@Donna_McCoy

I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.

@lmegordon

Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.

@JKNenagh

My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night

@vangobot

FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30