Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis

I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.

Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go

Bad Batman: Ben Affleck

I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited

You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.

If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”

Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”

No! Abort! Abort!!

Autocarrot sucks!

My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.

I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.

Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart

[after wife gives birth]

wife: he has your eyes

me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby

No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch

Partner: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Oh why?

Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird

Me: Oh. I see. OK

Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.

I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.

Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one

My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word

me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree

my cat: *whispering* and also within

I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude

Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.

Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority

Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?

Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*

ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?

HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it

WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*

My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.

@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?

I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle Sam

Dr Seuss’s CPA

*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*

me: I need to get this framed

optometrist: just say you need glasses

ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*

Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.

Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi

At least he brought enough for everyone