When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
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I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
nature’s most graceful animal
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
I went to the car park. There were no slides or swings. My car just sat there. Sad.