When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
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When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
my lower back watching me try to live my life
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat