When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
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Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
“what’s your ideal vacation?”
dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical