When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
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when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face