When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
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Strangers have the best candy.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Police Officer: And where have you been tonight?
3 Kings: We’ve been hanging round barns looking for a virgin.
Police Officer: Come with me to the station please.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.