When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
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What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.