When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
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Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.