Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”

*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”

If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.

As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship

Feeling a little sad…

…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.

“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”

– literally no one ever

If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.

Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.

Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.

Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.

My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime

Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”

Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.

The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.

My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist

I fixed it. For me

60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.

There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.

In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”

My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.

Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.

Is he dead?

Is he dead?

Is she dead?

Is HE dead?

What about him?

Is SHE dead?

-My kids watching 80s music videos.

customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames

My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”

I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti

Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there

Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁

you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.

bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

me: why

bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline

WAITER: how would you like your eggs

ME: nogged