Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one can handle that

[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]

me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉

ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings

GENIE: dude

Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”

I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.

Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you

What is a picnic?

Correct!

“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”

*Googles my ex’s house*

Going to change my wifi network name to…

Someone Please Help Me

And give this neighborhood something to talk about.

a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair

going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need

frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.

One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.

My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”

If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet

ok hear me out: Luigiana

Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse

Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?

B: Please shut up

M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters

“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.

Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”

so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah

I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.

When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos

Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg

NASA: The moon is wobbling.

Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same

If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.

Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?

3yo: *sneezes*

American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.

my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant

me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?

wife: give me back the baby

The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.