When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!
Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!
Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.
But I looked rad AF.
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If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Big Sex has us all fooled
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
A family that plays together cheats.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.