Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?

me: finger quotes sure

{Police Job Interview}

Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.

Recruit: Why kill a kitten?

Captain: You’re hired.

Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house

Sometimes? I’m slipping

religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious

I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.

Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife

the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range

[receives death threat]

please stop flirting with me

It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”

[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?

Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.

Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.

If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.

If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.

‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys

Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.

Her: You need to multitask better

Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone

Her: That’s goo-

Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else

I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.

I have chosen my priorities!

#studies #exams

5 ways to appear taller

bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.

*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then

Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.

“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.

Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here

My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.

Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.

Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.

Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.

Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi

-first day at NASA-

colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

me: do you guys do this in every elevator