When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
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Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Anarchy
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
This one’s “Alex”.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.