When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
![]()
You Might Also Like
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire
Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶
Me: “Agree to disagree.”
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.