When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
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New Tinder profile.
I wish I were this cool 😂
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
“This Tweet has been deleted.”
A thread 🧵
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
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Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*