When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
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Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead