when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
cop: where u headed
me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat
cop: [handing me his gun] good luck
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Everyone thinks they will be the first person in history to maintain their dignity while posting online.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Uh oh…
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
