when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
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The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Oh no
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience