If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
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There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
A short story of betrayal:
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.