Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!

(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)

‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby

Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.

Not now. I’m deglazing.

Wife: We named you after Grandma

Me: Yes that was my idea!

Grandma: They all laugh at me at school

My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.

Every time someone blocks you, you should lose a letter.

“Hlp! Whts hppnng? cn’t wrt nthng!”

Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?

What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.

Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.

A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]

I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..

I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.

Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.

At what point should you worry about your drinking?

I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.

You’ve trained your whole life for this.

Take the shot.

Kill the moon.

If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.

Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.

[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.

Farmer: Here, take a gander.

Goose: No! My husband!

I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]

Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come

My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.

My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?

Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*

Me: Stop or I’ll be mad

Kids: *keep doing it*

Me: Stop or Mom will be mad

Kids:*stop immediately*

I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.

Or help them move.

who’s gonna tell her?