Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?

cop: licence and registration

Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause

“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”

Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they

Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”

Yeah, don’t do that.

seminar…

Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*

Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL

When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.

I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.

Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.

angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible

god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls

angel: ok first question why

god: wait i’m not finished

[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.

I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.

Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.

11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?

Me: 12

11:

Me:

11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –

Me: choose your next words wisely.

When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”

“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”

ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?

Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.

me: in or out

dog: yep

me: which one

dog: you bet

me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.

me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man

When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute

‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’

Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.

Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.

I have literally never stopped thinking about this

Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.

I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..

My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery

My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*