Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ER Triage Room]

NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?

GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now

A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever

A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.

The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.

Apparently my superpower is being invisible.

After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.

Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering

#BatmanvSuperman

I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.

I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet

A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

me: [crying] it came outta nowhere

tour guide: a spider?

me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen

guide: [panicking] omg a snake?

me: razor-sharp claws

guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?

me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle

“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”

[wife frantically searching the house]

Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere

[me napping on couch]

OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS

With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.

Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.

“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”

Dry Turkey isn’t the problem, you need to make more saliva.

all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage

dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”

*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.

POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.

My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.

My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly

me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?

friend: lawn mower?

me: no, i want lawn lesser.

MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…

Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.

*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it

[new coffee shop]

DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!

DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!

DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE

(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham

The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out