when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.
He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
