when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
