When I was 16, I thought I could slam and lock my bedroom door in the house my parents paid for. So they took my door. That’s 80s parenting.

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I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.


All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.


Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America

Me: me too kid, me too


[first day in prison]

Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.


After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.


(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.


Cat 911: What’s your emergency?

Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!

Cat 911: Seriously?

Cat: No, LOL!

Cat 911: LOL!


I tried to be a better person but that’s apparently considered as “identity theft”


getting sick of watching movies where johnny depp dresses like a hobo. I blame him for russel brand