@nerdreign

When I was 16, I thought I could slam and lock my bedroom door in the house my parents paid for. So they took my door. That’s 80s parenting.

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@that_mothafucka

In a perfect world anyone that said they, “literally died,” would drop dead on the spot.

@Michael1979

The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests

@InternetHippo

LUCY: Dad, how did I get my name?
[flashback]
ME (signing contract in blood): Ok but can we at least shorten it?
LUCIFER: That’s fine

@LionJenkins

Dear Adobe,

In all the times I’ve been to the circus I’ve never seen an Acrobat Reading.

@Darlainky

Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.

@envydatropic

The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong

@drivethatfast

This tube of suntan lotion has been in my family for three generations

@envydatropic

It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.

@singwithTaffy

(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein