When I was 16, I thought I could slam and lock my bedroom door in the house my parents paid for. So they took my door. That’s 80s parenting.

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In a perfect world anyone that said they, “literally died,” would drop dead on the spot.


The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests


LUCY: Dad, how did I get my name?
ME (signing contract in blood): Ok but can we at least shorten it?
LUCIFER: That’s fine


Dear Adobe,

In all the times I’ve been to the circus I’ve never seen an Acrobat Reading.


Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.


The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong


This tube of suntan lotion has been in my family for three generations


It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.


(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein