My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
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Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”