Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*puts lips to microphone*

Microphone: I have a headache

just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968

[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD

Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!

[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator

*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*

Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.

Producer: We need to take your shoes—

Me: I quit.

in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.

*Rubs lamp*

*Nothing happens*

Where’s the genie?

*Takes off lampshade*

What’s wrong with this thing?

Me: I miss the good old days

Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?

M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit

W: I despise you

All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”

I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.

Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.

Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.

The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.

Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”

me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?

me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.

Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.

god: ..and this part is your crust

earth: i’m a pizza 🙂

god: no that’s-

earth: everybody loves pizza 😀

god: but

earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)

god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing

Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.

New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”

My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it

The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.

This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!

*Runs 6 miles*

*Adds Kenyan to resume*

[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:

7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.

[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate

Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.

Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.

Me: wtf

Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”

Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.