Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.

My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle

Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.

Natty or not?

Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.

To err is human, to eh is Canadian.

[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know

My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “

I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.

Wife: the baby needs changing

Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her

I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.

Everyone in the gym on January 1st

I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬

Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support

[texting mom]

u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky

GUY: my new boss is gay

ME: my new bed sheets are warm

GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?

ME: exactly

I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.

I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.

me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you

I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰

You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet

I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub

Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?

Me: living

Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.

Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.

My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”

Me: “Sure I don’t.”

I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.

“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind

All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…

Don’t come back here with your bullshit.

Me, coming back with my bullshit: