When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
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of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….