I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
You Might Also Like
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
#ParentingFacts
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*