when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
[Me on Shark Tank]
*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*
I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families
Guy: what do you know about crypto
Me: that’s a DC villain, right?
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
