when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Traffic stop
Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car
Me: it was like that when I bought it
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.
