when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
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If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Why is everyone getting married at me
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?