When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
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ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
The struggle is real.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them