Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”

What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?

Nothing. He was STUFFED!

We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”

Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank

My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.

Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl

This did not end as expected.

Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.

You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.

This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds

Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!

[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?

Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.

born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

*friends describing me on Dateline*

She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.

It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work

Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely

Jellyfish 2: you should try dating

Jellyfish 1: idk maybe

Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you

Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?

Plastic bag:

My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI

Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.

Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.

I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.

Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.

My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.

12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!

12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider

12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude

Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too

WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again

Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black

My front facing camera:

Me: I disagree.

“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”

“Oh. CrossFit?”

“No. Gambling.”

My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new