When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
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It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
I’m too immature for adultery.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Sing it!
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.