When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
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I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
🤣
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them