I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
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If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
4-year-old: what do you want ?
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
ME: I heard glasses make you look smart.
FRIEND: That’s true.
[LATER ON A DATE]
ME: (wearing 20 pairs of glasses) Who said that?
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold