When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
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BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Grandmother clock.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
I cannot call her anything else now
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.