@solomongeorgio

When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work

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@chellemybell22

I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”

So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.

@LouisPeitzman

If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.

@GuyBreakup

Her: I heard you like to break the rules

Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.

@MyDadIsOld

[as a lawyer]

me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”

judge: “granted”

me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”

@BunAndLeggings

[pretend restaurant]

4-year-old: what do you want ?

me: pizza

4: we don’t have pizza

me: what do you have?

4: nothing

me: I’ll have nothing

4: we don’t have that

me: *throws table* this is bullshit!

@tastefactory

AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey

@karlkovacs

How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer

@Carbosly

Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?

This is God thanking them for bacon.

@Tommytoughstuff

ME: I heard glasses make you look smart.
FRIEND: That’s true.
[LATER ON A DATE]
DATE: Hi.
ME: (wearing 20 pairs of glasses) Who said that?

@TragicAllyHere

Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold