When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
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Did you get that psychic damage I sent you
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
🔦🌙👣
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Guantanamo Bae
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.